44. Hardcore British Life
Fixing a hole where the noise comes in.
Threw out the chipped Bubba Gump’s mug this morning. Not got much else on. So, I went to B&M.
Decided to finish my to-do list. Fix the hole.
Mould remover
Milk
Bin bags
New mug
Pot Noodles
Dishcloth
Extendable feather duster
Polyfilla
Walked every aisle. To see everything. Spent fifteen minutes comparing toilet cleaners.
Do the colours mean anything? Blue feels trustworthy. Solid. Picked one that didn’t smell too sharp.
Found milk. Bin bags. Massive multipack of crisps I’ve never heard of. On offer.
There was a whole row of mould sprays. Picked one that said it has sodium hypochlorite. Seems serious.
Considered buying some motion-detecting lights that sit inside the toilet rim. They had shoes too. And rope. Lots of things:
Inflatable crowns for dogs
Gnomes holding machine guns
Five-litre tubs of bubble bath called Relaxing Man
Colour-changing Jesus lamps
Fake security cameras
Union Jack knock-off Crocs
Framed photos of a Ferrari Testarossa
Cadbury’s Cream Eggs
Glow-in-the-dark shoe polish
A USB-powered necktie fan
ChuckleVision DVDs for a quid
I had the fan in my trolley for a while. Dumped it in the chewing gum stand by the till. Bought the Chucklevision DVD, though.
The man ahead of me had 380 tealights and a crate of Monster. All cradled in his arms. I’m going to get a tattoo. Something cool. Not like his.
Did the bathroom when I got home. Scrubbed the tiles. Sprayed the ceiling. Left the window open. Should’ve done that before.
Had a cuppa in my new mug. It has a Lego spaceman on it.
Looked at holidays online. Need to pay my BT bill.
Fancy going somewhere hot. With buffet options. All inclusive. A swim-up bar.
I imagined ordering a beer from the pool. Laughing at something I didn’t hear properly.
Can’t afford it.
Went to rightmove.co.uk. See what rentals are like. Filtered by price. Then by distance from a train station.
Made a Pot Noodle. Chicken and Mushroom. Ate it standing up by the sink.
Wiped the chopsticks with a clean dishcloth. Put them back in the drawer quickly.
Made a booking for a consultation with an estate agent. Going to put this shithole on the market.
He’s coming at 10 am a week on Friday.
Scrubbed the kitchen counter. Rinsed the sink. Watched the bubbles drift.
Tried to watch ChuckleVision, but I don’t have a DVD player.
Forgot to get the feather duster. Am staring at the Polyfilla. Should fix the hole.
Dog’s barking. Think I’ll go to the pub.
next: -49. I Didn’t Like Hugh’s Tone
previous: X. Redemption at Any Cost